Not every reclusive person suffers from social anxiety disorder. Some people just don’t like to mingle. Some people find themselves uncomfortable in social situations and avoid them not so much out of fear, but out of preference .
Personally, I love being home alone. I love not having to explain myself, to persuade others to accommodate my needs, to wonder how I’m judged and not having to figure out my place and my position in unfamiliar surroundings. I’m King in my home and “It’s Good to Be the King”.
Okay, I can see in the preceding paragraph, that these preferences can be limiting. I can see symptoms which are also present in those who do in fact suffer from social anxiety disorder, but I do not regard a preference for solitude necessarily as a disorder.
“I’ve deliberately created a business which enables me to work from my home and avoid interacting with too many people, however as the economy continues to slide and my business model is forced to adapt, I am having some difficulty adjusting to having to interact with other people and my finances are suffering as a consequence.” Should this person be unable to adjust, I believe you would cross the boundary from preference to disorder.
I, like many, really don’t like people as a whole. I find little value in trite everyday conversation. In my youth I had a rich social life. My hormones overcame my discomfort. But as those needs diminished over time, so did my willingness to pay social dues. I would resent having to pay those dues again for the sake of a few dollars, but I could and would do it. I just wouldn’t be happy about it.
I understand extreme social anxiety, but I assert strongly that not everyone who’s chosen to sequestered themselves, suffers from a disorder anymore than those of us who prefer to eat vanilla ice cream suffer from a chocolate anxiety disorder. I personally would just prefer to be alone… most of the time. And I favor Cherry Garcia.
I’m encountering more and more people who have chosen the path of semi-isolation, of adapting their careers and lifestyles to their personal preference of avoiding anxiety producing situations. Perhaps the very fact that social situations produce anxiety, is a manifestation of a disorder, but I don’t think so. We see enough television (news) and have enough negative memories to believe rightly that social interaction has risks. It can lead to conflicts, it can lead to friendships that invade boundaries, obligations which cause resentment and waste a lot of time that can be used for productivity and creativity. Only the individual can decide whether any gain from interacting is worth the price.
As long as it does not limit the quality of one’s life; as long as it does not prevent self actualization and the fulfillment of needs; and as long as it continues to feel like a choice rather than a phobia, creating a lifestyle of semi-solitude is just fine.
Sue Dot. I am the same. only an Occasional hello or short chat with a neighbor or two.
and Mtnsicta I agree. or me and my kids are loners. Ooookay… I have lived alone. by choice for over two decades… I have had one relationship between then and now. but refused to live with ANYONE…I was close to my mother and considered her my ONLY family. but she too lived alone for the last 17 and a half years of her life…she passed in 2016 and I miss her very much… I have not even been involved with anyone since late 2003…Other than a my 10 year old cat I remain very solitary… in fact I am glad I pre-paid my cremation as bad as this sounds. I’m alone so much. it will be the only way!
Ricky: Hubby and I are loners and only interact casually. We are retired and not into org. activities at this point which come with obligations like cookouts, fundraisers, etc. He had a gov. job and is tired of “people pleasing” over decades and so am I. We read much, no kids by choice, (people w. kids are forced into relationships linked with school, parents of their kids friends, etc.) We have no interaction with cousins either we are all scattered over the country. Few people we find have anything worthwhile to discuss, so we use the computer to research. Most people want to use other people for whatever their goals (joining this and that, etc) few like you for what you are. Friends are few thru the years.
Laura ann.
I never wanted any children either. I have a Niece that wanted to be ‘close’ but after mom passed I cut that off. I found she was two-faced (of course) and back-biting. she also stole my mom’s money back in 2009. for which I was blamed. I found this out after mom passed away summer of 2016. it caused a year long estrangement between me and mom. with her being more mad at me. than me at her. she robbed me a year from my mom. allowing me all this time to believe a nephew stole the money. I have a very dysfunctional family. My mom was unable to speak since 1997 when she had a massive stroke. I did what I could for her but family Members caused much trouble. now I no longer have any contact with ANY family member, no cousins. nothing. it’s ashamed and sad. the only one I could trust and really love was my mom. and she could not speak anymore. I have people trying to push me into finding someone. but I don’t want that. even the friends I had over the years proved not be that Concerned as I had to be the one to call them! I don’t bother anymore. even neighbors I just say hi and go about my way…like you I don’t do cookouts or visit people. use my computer to research and read. I walk on a Regular basis…I found the only true safety is in solitude.
Bushbaby.. like you if people don’t share my concerns I don’t even want to know them!
I refuse to bend and have gotten very close-minded.
Julie. The current state of the world has me preferring seclusion too.
I refuse any Therapy of any kind. because I don’t wanna join the world and do not trust people…
Its a total relief to read about other people like us. My hubby and I have found a nice secluded house and live a very contented life just interacting nearly on a needs must basis. We go to various classes and enjoy the limited contact-then leave whilst the others “make friends”. I do still feel though we are viewed as – at best odd- at worst suspicious. We just dont seem to need others in our lives.
I completely agree! I think the people who are afraid to be alone are the ones putting those labels on the ones who have chosen the solitude lifestyle. They seem to criticize what they don’t understand. Therefore something must me wrong with US.
I find it interesting that society needs so much noise and distractions in their lives, but psychology doesn’t label them chaotic. No, they get to be the “normal” people. I will take my solitude, peaceful, lovely days and be judged by the people who live for a weeks vacation a year 😂.
I decided to become my own friend and am loving it. I am a 72yo woman, have experienced many stresses in my life and kept telling myself to be strong and man up and “cope”. Well guess what, it is ok to stop the bus and get off. It is a great feeling and I feel happy, contented and in control for the first time in my life. Maybe it is an age thing.
I too am a loner at 57 years of age. It’s just been in the last 2 years or so that I have discovered that I just don’t enjoy social interactions out at events anymore. I find small talk extremely boring & would probably prefer one on one intelligent, interesting conversation, however, I am unable to find someone who is like minded as myself & just wants a single companion on occasion. I live alone with my little dog & I love it. I go every where alone, ie: out for walks or to the beach etc. Sometimes I hear on the news that it’s bad for people to be out of a social circle & it could contribute to dementia. This worries me slightly, however I cannot force myself to go out & mingle with others when this makes me unhappy, surely to be unhappy is worse. If you love to be alone, if you relish it, & it brings you peace, happiness & contentment, this must be healthy in my opinion.
Yes people are terrified of being alone! and think anyone who can be alone is either weird or no one likes them. or both. at 52. I could not care less. after my mom’s passing two years ago. I severed the rest of family ties. since they are toxic. I am in sometimes 8 or 9 days alone. I don’t hide in my apartment and drink or do ‘odd’ things I am asked what do you do alone?? kick back? people get very curious. I find it amusing and annoying. I too like QUIET. and lots of it. sometimes I don’t watch TV for days. when I do it’s old movies on TCM or the old Death Valley Days episodes. or I read and putter around. most of my family are gone. the ones that I loved anyway. and people OUT THERE. have an agenda. so I speak to neighbors in passing and infrequently. on my own I eat more healthy and stay at 155 lbs. social events are usually gossipy. over-eating or drinking or dealing with peoples smoking! when I do go out its errands and walking. lots of it. alone. I love one on one conversations as long as it’s meaningful. I get told. you are gonna die alone! well don’t we all? I have heard about the dementia thing. being alone too much. but in the end SOMETHING get’s all of us. I just would hate being in a nursing home later in life.. my mom was able to remain out of one and I hope I go out before I would have to! being stuck with people would be hell! I don’t hate people. but society leaves me drained and wanting solitude…Therese. Louise Brooks. the former silent film star was a recluse later in life and said she preferred living alone. she did say. I do very much miss meeting brilliant people. from whom I have learned from. I don’t meet any brilliant people anymore.
I find I don’t fit in and never have, people don’t include me . I know I’m polite and kind and presentable, I just don’t seem to connect. I bond best with animals mostly and elderly people. As a child i preferred reading to playing out. I recall being bullied when I did try to interact. School was a nightmare. I married another loner but that has not worked well really and our kids are loners and we all have found school and work situations really tough, yet we all are bright and have talents. We are all mystified by the ways of the world!we
I do not believe I have social anxiety, I simply do not enjoy humans very much. I am actually a very outgoing person but it depends on who and what is going on for that part of my personality to re-emerge. I have come to terms with who I am and what I do no enjoy doing; basically, I do not do anything I do not want to do. I also do not drink that much alcohol anymore, so I do not enjoy going casually out for drinks with friends. Why should I spend money on drinks that I will not drink or will regret drinking the next day? Unfortunately, our society does not know how interact with others with out alcohol being involved, so I do not spend as much time with acquaintances as I used too when alcohol still agreed with me. I have a few select friends that understand me and accept me for who I am. I go out and do things but typically I do them alone or with part of the select few that I enjoy being around. I feel if I spent more time out and about with other humans I would soon become a very bitter and jaded person. If my life is to be one of little interaction with others, I do not want to be an angry bitter person. I do not understand why people insist on me doing more stuff out in public and with others? What does it matter to anybody else if I spend most of my free time alone and do not interact with meaningless activities that I don’t want to do? I do what I want when I want….why should my happiness include a lot of other people?
Judy..I used to have social anxiety which kept me from interacting. I do have generalized anxiety disorder. I can have bouts Agoraphobia. if I am in too long but I can interact. I am 53 now and in the last decade plus. I have learned I do not enjoy people either. in my mid-late 30’s I travelled a lot. never thought I would. it was fun. but did cause me stress. but I took that small window of time in my life to see places. but it Exhausted me for weeks when I got home! Mom was here and doing good then. around 39 the trips became not fun anymore. people were more disappointing and I began to let go of old friendships and retreated more to how I was as a kid. the more I see of the world and people. I get to feeling jaded and bitter also. people are untrue and most are fake. unless you are drinking and partying people are clueless. now it’s not a matter of CAN’T interact. I don’t want to! I helped my mom in her final years and that was all I could do. I was all she had and she was all I had. through my 40’s and now at 53. I spend ALL my time alone. doing things alone. don’t listen to anyone, Judy! do what is right for you.
Thank you! What an interesting Blog about us like minded “Modern Cave Dwellers.” I am 67 years old and love solitude. I go everywhere and do everything on my own. I don’t ever get lonely and am very happy with just me and me! I do find people in general mostly interested though. I keep up with local and world affairs…. l love reading. It takes me away into someone else’s world without having to be there! I avoid talking on my phone as much as possible. ( by not answering it) I am a phone ‘ texter not a talker ‘. I am a self confessed JOMO – ‘ the JOY of MISSING OUT ‘….. I live a stressfree life by avoiding people ( as much as possible) Infact I am comfortable with who I am and a happy Modern Cave Dweller. It appears we all have quite alot in common…
To all in this post an FYI I found interesting is the term Hyper Sensitive People to explain why some people are just happier in there own company. It was a very insightful thing for me to discover about myself. I too can live without a ton of people in my life, abhor small talk, other peoples children, and all the norming society excepts of me. A giant yawn. A construct of marketing, religion and whatever other nefarious factions who feel they need to weigh in on what constitutes “the correct way to live”. So boring. I think most people are stupid, arrogant narcissists and I don’t bother with people unless I have to. Grocery store, work, doctor, and then I am polite but will not make small talk. And to the people in the grocery store who keep telling me “I have to try this” or insist somethings wonderful, knock it off. I am not interested in your opinion, you usually have terrible taste and no way would you do that in a restaurant.
Can you imagine that happening in a restaurant someone pointing in your menu and saying “I am having that and you should too”. Or trying on clothing “I like that shirt and you should too”. Shut-up already and leave people alone.
End of rant. 😉
I really enjoy solitude. I go to the store and appointments and such, but can’t wait to get home. I don’t even like to visit or talk on the phone much. I love it. It is my choice and makes me very content.
I do not have a social anxiety…I do enjoy a lot of alone time. I’ve never understood why some people (women I’ve known) just can’t tolerate being alone. I work in the senior housing industry…I love what I do and I’m very social at work, but that takes a toll on me and I need alone time to recharge. It’s a very demanding job and I am on call 24/7. My family whom I love dearly worries I’m becoming too recluse. I’m not depressed. I’m good with some one on one time or just 2 or 3 people…but even when it’s a family gathering…tv loud noises…everyone talking at once..pressure to participate in “games” lol. I just find myself wishing I had stayed home. I rarely turn on my TV. I enjoy the quiet.
I’m not sure why..but in the last couple years I’ve gotten to where I want to come home from work..be alone in the quiet..sometimes with tv on but more times off…i avoid crowds…things I used to find fun…like concerts..ball games…carnivals etc….i simply have no intrest in….big cities and city driving brings me almost into a panic attack….i basically don’t dislike people…but I don’t seem to need people around me to feel secure and complete…….i could go on but wont
I as well feel like this. I am 27 and was very social as a teenager and in my early 20’s but as I have grown older, I really do not like to go out and socialize. I maintain very good relationships with my co-workers and feel fine socializing with them in the work setting. But I really do not enjoy spending time with them outside of work. They always want to go out and do things when I much rather would stay at home and relax.
I am very independent, outgoing & comfortable in my own skin. I like people, enjoy socializing & having good conversations – to a point. Refer to myself as an introverted extrovert. I NEED alone & quiet time to relax, recharge & be happy. Not happy in a loud or crowded environment. Prefer reading, writing & perusing interests online, such as interacting with others. Been working from home since 2003 & love it. Never feel lonely but sometimes wonder if I should be more social. It’s hard to make friends with people who understand & respect my needs.
Accepted the fact a long time ago that I’m not exactly mainstream. Being a big time history geek I enjoy books, lectures, seminars and going to places I’ve read about over the years. I don’t apologize for it but, honestly most folks find that boring so I often find myself doing these things alone, which is not without its advantages. You don’t have to worry if others are having a good time and you’re pretty much on your own schedule. I’ve spent days by myself at historic sites and enjoy the solitude.
Also, I’ve learned a long time ago that people have the habit of saying things and not following through (hey, we’ve got to take a road trip to such and such place, etc). I don’t push it as I know they have busy lives, but why say it to begin with? Say it often enough and you start to come across as something of a phony, so I follow a couple of simple rules: no expectations, no disappointments and don’t depend on others for happiness, that’s your responsibility.
I am also solitary.
Love being completely alone and enjoy my thoughts.
I cant stand outside interference.
They are all mad anyway! – watch as they try to control their own lives!
I am my own truth.
Nothing else is of consequence
For years I thought I was a misanthrope but though I do have those days, I discovered I just enjoy being alone. I prefer being surrounded by my books, listening to music over the internet, and working on my little hobbies.
When I do go out amongst The Great Unwashed I am unfailingly polite, converse if required, etc., but I give thanks to the digital gods for the internet. If it weren’t for the internet–Amazon.com, informational sites, general searches, music, etc.–I would probably go insane.
James Howell, I share all of your sentiments . I am an Anthropy. I am not needy of people and love solitude. I am in my late sixties and retired so I am able to maintain my reclusive lifestyle. I am an avid reader. I can’t imagine life without books, music and the internet… never ending opportunities for continued learning. Solitary walking is also a love of mine…surrounded in nature not people.
I am grateful I am an Anthropy…
Its wonderful to know i’m not alone. Even finding a website for people like us is so dificult!!! I just can’t bear all the group activities that (it seems) everybody loves. That’s not to say I don’t go out and have good time – my life is bril except for this nagging that I can’t be normal for not wanting others
Solitude and frugality are simply my lifestyle choices. Everybody, and I mean everybody, overanalyzes everything! You have to search for the style of living that ‘fits’ you and a life away from the ‘herd’ (which has no redeeming qualities that I can identify) is the one that suits me perfectly. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah – is all I hear when I am around the mindless ‘herd’. I feel at peace only when I am alone – walking, reading, playing my piano and singing or writing a poem. Live and let live…
It seems to me being reclusive has too many advantages over being “social”. Sociality, is a social disease to me. I do have a couple of friends, but they live a few hundred miles away. coming from a dysfunctional family, bad marriage and being a Veteran, solitude is a very good companion. The less I own, the better I feel. I live up on the side of a mountain, in my cabin, my furry friends are here for me and I am here for them.
So happy to hear there are others who just prefer their own company. People suck and are too draining. At 59 I am not pretending anymore.
I found this on a random thought. I was called a recluse and at first I was agitated but it made me curious. Is that a bad thing?
I never mind other peoples business. I never ask for favors. I am damn sure not needy. I am very intelligent and possess a lot of common sense. I can figure out most any mechanical or technical problem UNLESS it involves human interaction…
I suck at being a human and I have since day 1. For years people and doctors have guessed at tons of things that might be wrong with me. It seems I have no illness or
dis-ease. I have a disorder (something missing) .
After 30 years of being told I was stupid, lazy, worthless… I have Narcolepsy with covert Cataplexy.
Instead of telling me I was a waste of LIFE, maybe people should have tried to care a little more. The one thing I did learn is THEY DONT! Unless you have something they can take or a service they need.
People suck… (mostly). I’m not a hater, but was raised in and amongst some real monsters in meat suits. I tried to fake it and be all human and do all the stupid tricks people say we are to do to be successful… I failed at all of it.
So, I guess it’s best for me to be alone. Its safer for me anyway. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. I am all for helping people. I love helping people but when it becomes demanded, enslaving, unrewarding, and people seem disgusted with you should you dare not jump when they need something… Its middle finger time
I am mid process of selling off everything I do not absolutely need and I am out and not even sure where my destination will be. I might buy a travel trailer. I just feel kind of done with this whole mess. Live light. Live simple. Live happy.
If I get a couple good friends thats all good, and if not thats good also
I read most all the comments… Thanks for letting me know I’m not a total freak and there are other people out there who can just go it alone and be cool with it.
This comment thread and post has given me so much peace of mind.
Today’s my 24th birthday and I’ve realized now more than ever, all I want is to be alone. I love my family and friends, and along with that I do not want to be around them 24/7.
There is nothing that socialization has ever given me; I’ve always done it out of guilt or obligation. I don’t have the financial stability to be alone yet but when I do, I will. And I’ll do it guilt free, thanks to you all. I wish you all the best~
Its refreshing to see i am not alone. I actually started out with a relatively socially awkward mother who always worried what everyone thought, but she was always popular and liked – but reclusive. Not trying to hash on my mom at all, just explaining for comparison – because im so blessed and she is amazing. I lucked out.
Right after highschool i became very social and popular. I guess i was known during high school and people liked me but i didnt quite know who i was yet and hadn’t built faith in myself completely.
Now i am 35 and have been married (almost done with several year divorce) – but find myself extremely fine being alone now that im out of the “after breakup phase of going out”. That ended like 18 months ago.
I literally am a very social person – and everyone percieves that as well.
Also I am good at acting the part – and probably enjoy being social to be honest. But i always find myself being a recluse and being completely content there. Often times my lack of motivation to interact probably harms friendships but its just who i am and no issue with others.
I tried to search Google for social / reclusive people because it is strange to me. Im not sure if its underlying depression since i do have some depression. But most of what i find for reclusive people are they are nervous around others, shy, worry what people think, etc – but i think i am almost too confident around others… never arrogant, but i am never nervous to meet someone or worry about carrying conversation except in the rare times im going on a date with someone i am very attracted to.
I could survive being a hermit for a very long time, just like the movie 40 year old virgin (except i have a kid and am not a virgin).
Its so strange to me, i think i may have some feelings of not believing in people and relationships which sours my interest in developing relationships – i am not sure.
Anyway i had to ramble since i obviously have no social life lol. No but in honesty thanks for the post this randomly struck my curiosity
How nice it is that others “get” that to be socially reclusive is not a disorder but a choice! I was married for 30 years and worked in a typical nine-to-five office job. I also suffered horrible health problems from constant stress. All that changed when my husband and I divorced, and I started my own solitary small business. My health has improved so much that I actually feel healthier now in my 60’s than I did in my 20’s! I have no trouble with my boss, LOL, and the commute time is wonderful. Most of my work gets done on computer and I am able to take a break in the middle of the day to go for a walk, if I wish, and work until midnight if I find I can’t sleep.
I wouldn’t swap my current life for anything, and I just wish I’d done it sooner!
I am so happy that I found this site. Now I know that there are more people out there like me. I would consider myself a reclusive ambivert. I have a great need to be alone as much as possible. I thrive on peace and quiet. I am lucky I am semi retired and work from home. Live on a 3.5 acres property in a rural area on a lake. My neighbours are rather reclusive, too, but very nice. I rarely turn on the TV but love to read and surf the net. I do like people and am very interested and compassionate, a good conversationist , but but I hate small talk and empty brabble. I have no time for that.. I used to cook dinner for guests but not anymore, as the smalltalk and political correctness here in Canada drive me nuts. I love deep meaningful conversations but there are few. I am frugal and love my two cats. I had good friends but they moved to other continents and we got estranged. My mother is 87, lives in Europe and is extremely reclusive and in excellent health because she lives the way she wants too. She does not want my sister or I to reside in her apartment when we visit. I understand and love her because I am like her. I cannot stand human company for more than a few hours in my home. I like visitors, not for too long, not too often, and I like it even more when they leave again. I do not have social anxiety, I am 57 and people exhaust me with their agendas. Everybody laments about their health, their bad marriage, divorce, properties, jobs, etc, or try to sell me something, convert me, etc. The ought time I had a problem nobody listened for too long. Now I do the same. When I was young I was a people pleaser and acted a lot. Not anymore. Either you like me the way I am or go home. I go out every day and like to chat, but I have to head back into my ‘sanctuary’ after that. I prefer to email or text to talking on the phone. Some people don’t know how to stop jagging and my ear become hot many times in the past. I love to send a msg and push a button. I never feel lonely. I cannot understand why people get bored. In my family there are (were) many recluses. My dad and his wife in Europe told me that because of Covid lockdowns they don’t really have any contacts anymore and like it that way. I used to enjoy gatherings in my church but this is not permitted anymore either.
Lets see what time will bring. For now I am happy! Cheers to all the wonderful people here!
Liz, I loved reading your post! It could be me you are writing about. I could relate to everything.. My father was reclusive and my Psychiatrist brother was a recluse!
I am happy because I am living the way I want to. I don’t have anyone stay and I don’t stay with anyone.
One of my favourite quotes was written by a Swiss Psychiatrist. .Carl Jong…
” Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living.
Talking is often a torment for me and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words..”
Hi people! I am glad to see this is stiil here. I see I made many comments in the past!
well, here is one more! haha
I read every comment others made. and boy I agree with Liz! (as well as the others)
where I live, all I hear is people complain about the neighbors and or society, their aches and pains, most are 60 and over. and obviously they have lived hard and furious in the past. because they mainly complain about their age. I am so old! or why does she or he act like that, they are old as dirt! I get sick of hearing it all. so I stay away! for years my only companion was my Kitty Bonnie. and I loved it. she took ill suddenly Feb 2021 and had to be put down at 14 years of age. she was with me since she was 5 weeks old. now I am alone. it’s taking some adjusting! I miss her. 2016, my mom passed away, in 2020 a friend commited suicide, then my kitty left me in 2021.
the only people friends I have live in Texas and Indiana. so that’s by phone. I don’t want new friends, seems they all want to offer UNWANTED advice on how to live. at 57 with a turbulent and often tragic past behind me, I still wanna be left alone! I did take a trip to Hollywood (alone) in January and had fun. walking up and down sunset blvd and Hollywood Forever Cemetery. no panic attacks or anxiety. I spoke to Tourists, mainly.
My mom and dad too became very reclusive in later years. and my half sister is a total hermit.