About
I spent the first part of my life as a teacher and a mental health counselor. Later I was a retail store owner. I owned a chain of stores in fact. My social life was the stuff of legend.
But that was then and somewhere between then and now I changed. I now prefer the solitude, security and silence (mental) of my home to any social adventure. I like my own company and the peace I feel alone.
I still have close friends, but they know they’re likely not to see me more than a few times a year, nor hear from me by phone more than monthly. I am grateful for email and for the ability to earn my living at home. I don’t hate people. I’m not a complete misanthrope, but they do make me uncomfortable and I’d rather be alone.
It seems I’m not the only one. I’ve actually found dozens of people who share my preferences; in fact, I believe in this overly complicated, insane world, there is an ever growing movement of people who, for one reason or another have adopted a reclusive, or semi-reclusive life style.
This Web Site is for all of us.
I NEED HELP WITH MY SOCIAL ANXIETY I’M 20 YEARS OLD I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS I’M VERY SELF CONSCIOUS IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS IF I GO OUT I WOULDN’T I WILL STAY IN MY HOME AND WISH I HAVE SOMETHIMG TO DO BUT I CAN’T SO I NEED HELP AND THIS REALLY GOT TO ME WHEN I WAS 19 YEARS OF AGE I STARTED GETTING NERVOUS AROUND PEOPLE IT GOT WORSE WHWN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME I DIDN’T GOING TO SCHOOL I DIDN’T WANT TO GET ME A JOB I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO DO THE THINGS I WANTED TO DO CAUSE I KNOW I WILL EMBARRASS MYSELF BUT I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER
It sounds like it’ll do little good to assure you that you are not alone. In fact nearly everyone suffers from SA to a degree. The only socially confident people in the world are people who haven’t admitted they aren’t – what I’m saying is that all of us focus our lights on ourselves, think that everyone is watching us, that everyone knows when we say,or do something inappropriate, but the truth is they don’t. They’re all too busy worrying about themselves to put a magnifying lens on you. Only you are doing that.
That said, it seems like you’ve reached a point where you need to seek professional help. Google for mental health counseling in your town or city. There are bound to be places where you can find help for free, or at a reduced cost. Please make the effort to do so.
There are often therapy groups for SA sufferers. It’s amazing how dramatically the synergy of a group can help you. Please make getting help a priority.
In the meanwhile, remember the words of Bill Murry in that movie “Meatballs”, whenever you find yourself in a social situation in which you feel afraid of embarrassing yourself: “It just doesn’t matter”…and the words of a certain Nazarene capenter’s son: “This too shall pass.”
Really Taurean, it will be alright. Just take positive action.
So glad I found this site by accident. I don’t feel “weird” for my preference in being alone coupled with GAD & BPD. I am as normal as everyone else … just weary of a lifetime of bending to fit in … always uncomfortable … all my life. I am 56 now, have raised my children and have grandchildren. Worked 15 years as a waitress/bartender and had three young children … then spent 20 years as a legal assistant in the pathological environment of a law office.
I do have “quirks’now. I panic at the though of a deadline … especially multiple deadlines. A day of running errands leaves me completely exhausted.
I don’t have the finances to do anything … living on Social Security Disability. I spent 30 years working … raised three wonderful, productive, good-hearted, and creative children into adulthood. They are great parents. They are self-educated. I did not have the means to provide them with the standard middle class funds. I was always running from the wolf at my rear end.
I have a problem enduring the rude comments from people who have to work for a living. I busted my butt and burned the candle at both ends until I was 45 yoa. I was an adult-child … had to keep my head on right b/c of family drama and dysfunction … alcoholic, fighting parents … constantly moving … 18 different schools by the time I graduated.
I put myself thru college, paid my student loans, all my taxes and reimbursed anyone who helped me get thru college.
Why do people want to criticize my lifestyle now? They were out running wild and having fun all those years I was raising children. Times are just now getting hard for these people. I did my “job” and as a result suffered a total breakdown physically & mentally, with residual symptoms. I had brain surgery in August 2011 … God knows I have struggled.
I am sensitive … super-sensitive. I wish I could keep a constant state of mind where I didn’t “expect perfection” from myself. My adult children tell me to relax and enjoy life.
What is “wrong” with me?
I must be the luckiest person alive . 10 years ago , at the age of 51 , I met my perfect soulmate – purely by chance . We neither like , nor crave , social interaction . We have a few friends but , over the course of a year , it is they who seek us out rather than the opposite . We accept that “going to work” is an acceptable must as we have not found a way to live our life together without a constant income and we neither have the abilities to work from home . Our children from our previous marriages are grown up and moved away so we rarely interact with them either – yet we happily interact with each other . We neither seek total solitude but we give each other space when either need it . We are happy in our own garden with a 6 foot fence all the way round or away with our caravan where we always ask the site manager to put us in solitude , away from the other campers and feel I minor resentment when the site starts to fill up and other caravans get parked up closer and closer to us . We don’t dislike people but see nothing is to be gained by the trivial chit chat I is forced to exchange with the supermarket check out girl or the man in the local pub . As many have said on this web site , we have been made to feel that we are “unwell” or “abnormal” because we do not wish to interact with the world in general any more than we have to . It is a real pleasure to read other’s experiences , but , like many who have written here , we are still seeking a way to get out of the ever faster rat race and control our lives at our speed .
In reading your articles, you have articulated my own experience in preferring solitude; you said better than I could have expressed it. Your experiences mimic my own in having a full, successful career and much interaction with others. There’s nothing “wrong” with me, but I just really cherish my time of solitude to the extent that I’m tired of apologizing or making excuses for not wanting to go out. My idea of a dream vacation is being at home alone. I appreciate your blog. Thanks.
I, too, have a successful career, but prefer solitude. I have much interaction with people at work, but I find that the older I get the more uncomfortable I feel around others. Today I’d like to write about one aspect of my life I find terribly” trying;” that is, attending social events. Earlier in my life, I noticed that I had a tendency to use “humor” or to “”be the life of the party” to help me cope in order to attend social events. I was always the one who was funny and quick with the “one-liners.” I didn’t need a drink to be funny. Guests and friends still love that about me, but that is not ME. These days I try to attend only those events that truly require my attendance. My friends do not understand why I do not want to attend their events. I prefer the “quiet” and do not want to have to be always “on” for an event. I can no longer live this way. I’d rather not go, or to even be “invited.” Using humor as a tool for hiding my social anxiety/shyness worked only for so long; being true to yourself is what’s important. I am so grateful to you and others for sharing, Thanks for this blog.
Can you recommend any books on reclusive living, solitude, social anxiety. Really anything on the subject of reclusivity, avoiding people and anything social. Thanks
Thank you for this website. Many experience these feelings and believe they are wrong….that there is something wrong with them, when there’s not. Please continue to comment and keep your website alive.
Jeff you are incredibly articulate and intelligent. Im glad i found this website